


Don't Put Your Dick in Crazy, Unless You Too Are Crazy

by DraceDomino



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Crazy, Emotions, F/M, Humor, Romance, Threesome - M/F/Furniture, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 19:16:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18947173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraceDomino/pseuds/DraceDomino
Summary: In all of Pandora, there's hard to find a better couple than Krieg and Patricia Tannis. Few people so closely walk the line between civilized and psychotic, and even then, their respective behaviors require them to live on the outskirts of the city. That's just fine with them...they're quite the happy little pair.Or trio, if you ask Tannis, but...but that's just her whole weird furniture thing.





	Don't Put Your Dick in Crazy, Unless You Too Are Crazy

Don’t Put Your Dick In Crazy, Unless You Too Are Crazy  
-by Drace Domino

“Ohh, darling, I just love spending this quality time with you!” Tannis’ voice was filled with nothing but abject adoration, and she pawed her hands across her lover’s armrest as she did it. Snuggling in close, she brushed her cheek fondly up and down across the rough material, practically purring as she did so. The moment of affection only lasted a split second before she took on a look on indignation, her eyes opening and her lips parting as she spoke in an offended tone. “What?! No, of course not! I would never cheat on either of you! That...that bench in the park was just a friendly thing! I...I won’t lie, I was certainly aroused, but...but I would never betray the trust you two have in me!”

The two in question were Tannis’ lovers. Her partners. The people in Sanctuary that she lived with, that she shared her life with, and that she loved with all of her heart. One of them was a couch covered in more than just a few stains - old and beaten and, if Tannis was being completely honest, a little more prone to jealousy than she’d like. The other lover that shared the brilliant scientist’s home, however, didn’t have a trace of jealousy in his entire body. What he did have, however, was an...enthusiastic way of voicing his pleasure.

“I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO LIFE! THIS IS MY WORLD, THE ANTS JUST LIVE HERE!” Krieg’s voice flooded the tiny apartment in Sanctuary, and his violent, spastic cries came matched with heavy thrusts of his hips. The towering psycho was positioned right behind Tannis on the couch, and as he plunged his enormous cock into the woman’s hungry, wet cunt his voice carried well past the front door of their home. “SHE SQUEEZES THE SOUL FROM MOTHER’S BABY BOY TO MAKE HER OWN!”

This was the madness that the people of Sanctuary had come to expect. The two craziest people in town had managed to find each other and enter a relationship, and the common peace of the city was paying the consequences. There was a time that Claptrap was the most annoying thing someone could find roaming around the streets of Sanctuary, but these days? Between the howling of Tannis or the lunacy-driven screams of Krieg, they practically had to give the pair their own section of the city. It was the only way anyone would get any sleep.

“Mmm, yes, my other darling!” Tannis looked over her shoulder and licked her lips, gazing up at the psycho’s mask that revealed his one, lust-riddled eye. Krieg’s oddly disproportionate and massively masculine physique was nothing but exciting to her, and the sight of that ludicrously narrow waist leading into a broad chest only made her pussy clench all the tighter around his rod. She eagerly pushed herself back into him, helping him thrust her down to the very core, all while she clutched the armrest of the couch like she was holding onto the shoulders of a second lover. “You’re doing splendidly! But I think Harold wants to enjoy me, too, would you mind terribly switching to my ass?”

“SALT THE WOMB!” Krieg grunted, pushed a hand to the back of Tannis head, and pounded his hips forward even harder. The strong rejection of her request left Tannis face down against the couch, groaning and twitching as her pussy was stretched around a massive, pulsing cock. Each push forward practically made her belly bulge from the impact, and even though she was left completely overwhelmed Tannis still had the sensibility to kiss the couch below her, and coo to it in loving, tender fashion.

“You heard him, Harold.” She purred, even as Krieg’s thrusts filled the room with wet, juicy noises of her intense penetration. “Oh, don’t be such a fusspot. How many times have you made him wait to use my mouth, hmm?”

Harold was a selfish lover. Also a sofa, but Tannis failed to see how the man’s upbringing was relevant to the discussion. But while Harold could lay there for hours being ridden without hardly lifting a finger, Krieg was the polar opposite. A creature of magnificent power and stamina that could fuck his beloved Tannis well into the evening, someone that never got tired, never got soft, and never failed to accept an invitation to occupy whatever hole Tannis desired. The scholar had even humored sometimes the idea of running off with Krieg, but...what could she say? She loved Harold, too, and it would’ve been heartbreaking to leave him behind. Besides, for as selfish as he was...he was a magnificent, upholstered lover.

And if she left, just what would they do with the children?! She wasn’t about to leave her babies behind! As that thought entered her mind she suddenly realized that they hadn’t moved the children to the other room, and she stretched her hand out to a pair of footstools nearby.

“Chauncey! Alison Desiree! Don’t watch, mommy’s doing adult things!” The footstools continued to sit there, motionless, because they remained fucking footstools. “That’s right, dears! Mommy will tell you when it’s okay to look again!”

“WATCHING THE SUN MAKES THE BLINDING HEAT BOIL!” Krieg was pounding even faster now, his mighty hands squeezing so hard against Tannis’ back that the researcher was pushed flat to the couch. Each thrust forward made Harold squeak and creak underneath them, but Tannis wasn’t worried. They had broken Harold a few times in their wildest moments, and he always bounced right back. In the moment she could think of nothing but the pleasure that filled her as Krieg drove his massive cock deep into her slit, pounding forward harder and harder, pushing her belly’s bulge against the cushion underneath them. When his peak was nearing he was utterly unable to keep it to himself, just like every insane, errant thought that crossed his mind. Naturally, his voice flooded their living room, their entire apartment, and well into the street beyond. “THE ICE CREAM TRUCK PULLS INTO THE HARVEST! THE SKAGS COME TO SLURP UNTIL THEY MELT!”

Tannis’ shrieking howl filled the air to such a degree that it matched the cries of Krieg, the two lunatics calling out in frantic delight as they shared a spasming climax. Tannis squirted without hesitation against Harold’s cushions, and in that same moment Krieg’s pulsing prick unleashed a torrent that was predictably massive. The creampies he gifted to his partner always were - heavy and thick and rich, enough cum to match any ten men of sanctuary. It spurted out of Tannis’ pussy around the edges of Krieg’s rod and smacked the couch with wet noises, forming a little puddle of white underneath the scientist’s lap, slathering her thighs and painting her flesh. 

Harold didn’t mind. Harold was into that kind of friendly fire.

“Ohh, darling, that was simply magical~” Tannis beamed, quickly twisting in the aftermath and looking up at the powerhouse. Her arms stretched forward after she rolled onto her back and she looped them over Krieg’s shoulders, working her fingers to snugly fit just behind his mask. With her trembling thighs lifting to wrap around the psycho’s waist, she gazed up into him with a look of tremendous satisfaction - a slow smile spreading from cheek to cheek and her slit tightening to squeeze out a few more drops of cream from where their flesh met. “You always flood me like the Eridium that’s poisoning the very heart of this revolting hillbilly planet.”

For the moment, Krieg didn’t have any response. It didn’t even seem like he was listening to Tannis’ words of fawning pleasure, distracted as he was by another source. His visible eye was twitching back and forth and he gave a few tiny grunts mostly to himself, and though he continued to keep his cock lodged deep within Tannis’ slit, he was clearly distracted.

The second voice. That voice of patience and calm collection that managed to pierce through the monkeys and the munity in his brain from time to time. Usually the voice only brought itself to the forefront in the most dangerous of moments, but sometimes...sometimes, it got loud in the aftermath of cumming inside of Tannis. Sometimes, it got so loud that Kreig was almost sure it would pour from his lips to crash against the muffling mask of insanity strapped across his face.

“Heh. She really is something, you know that?”

Krieg grunted and twitched, snorting and dashing his head from side to side. He glimpsed to the pictures on the wall of himself, Tannis, and Harold - looking happy together in a strangely domestic setting. The happy couple sitting on the couch with their arms around each other...were it not for the rigors of Pandora and what it did to a normal person, they could’ve even been a traditional family. The voice seemed to know as much, and every word it spoke drove the idea deeper into Krieg’s twisted, addled, poisoned brain.

“Shame about the crazy, but who are we to judge? You protect this one, idiot. You protect her, and you love her, and you don’t let anything happen to her. You understand me?”

“THE BOTTLE OF WASTELAND TEARS IS SWEET ON MY LICK MACHINE!”

“Good. Glad we’re on the same page.”

It was hard to tell just how much of Krieg’s screaming Tannis really understood, but at the very least she tolerated it - even seemed charmed by it. Though as she wiggled back and forth with her entrance still desperately tightening and relaxing around his enormous member, the scientist soon saw something that caught her interest, and she threaded one hand forward. A slender finger started at the top edge of Krieg’s mask before gliding all the way back down, focusing entirely on the piece of plastic that hid his face save for one single, menacing eye. She wasn’t focused on the psycho himself so much as she was the mask, and she slowly licked her lips as she spoke. To it. Not to him.

“You think I haven’t noticed you always watching us have our fun…?” She cooed, leaned back, and showed off her impressive breasts to the mask. With her hands scooping underneath them, she put on a little show - wiggling her tits back and forth before squishing them together and rolling the flesh slowly back and forth against itself. “You’re always there, hooked on my lover’s face, getting off while he fucks me...such a naughty boy you are. Such a dirty, sneaky, baaaaaad little boy…”

Similarly, Krieg didn’t seem to mind Tannis’ insanity. This wasn’t the first time she had hit on his mask, but he already knew that it wouldn’t go anywhere. Tannis was just flirting to make Harold jealous, and she wouldn’t act on it any further than that.

Besides. Krieg knew that his mask preferred blondes.

***

The “kids” were sitting in the other room a few minutes later, stacked together so they couldn’t watch their mother and fathers continue to have their fun. For their second fuck of the evening it was decided that Harold finally got into the action, and Tannis helped to get the couch hard by position a hefty dildo right between the couch cushions. It was perfectly balanced and stable as it sat there and reached nearly a foot high - designed to look like a skag’s cock, because she simply imagined that was what couch dicks looked like. Krieg stood and watched patiently as Tannis helped Harold get it up before moving herself into position, standing tall above that member and slowly started to crouch.

“Mmm...another evening alone with my two favorite men…” Tannis cooed, just as her ass slowly pushed atop the tip of that well-lubed dildo. At a full foot long and considerably thick, the thing might’ve given some women pause...but those women hadn’t already been claimed in every hole by a titan like Krieg. Harold was small by comparison. As the ring of her ass slowly stretched around that hefty toy Tannis finally started to reposition her legs, stretching them forward and moving her shoulders to the couch’s embrace, whimpering and gasping as the inches continued to thread her. Before long she sat there perfectly atop the couch cushions, a considerable weight jammed up her ass, and her cum-filled, glistening slit exposed to the psycho. With a hooked finger Tannis beckoned her other lover closer, licking her lips as she begged him near. “...come and fuck the woman that loves you, Krieg, darling. I don’t mind if your friend watches, so long as he doesn’t touch.”

“THE FAMILY UNIT IS EVER-CHANGING AND DYNAMIC!” Krieg shrieked as he stumbled forward, proving it as he shared his partner with an immobile object. His meaty length flopped atop Tannis’ belly, which was already slightly bulging from the toy, and together with her help pushed it down to line against the entrance of her pussy. Though she was already thoroughly pumped and filled with cum Krieg was more than eager to give her another dose, and soon the scholar was wrapping herself around the psycho’s member with increasing, desperate intensity. Even at point blank with Tannis embracing him and locking her heels behind his back Krieg couldn’t hold back his blissful cries, words that pierced their home as he pushed himself down to the base of his unit. “DOMESTIC LIFE SUITS MY VENUS FLY TRAP JUST FINE! NICE PUSSY, HOT CRAZY LADY.”

“Ohhhh ho ho ho, always such a charmer!” Tannis giggled, threaded her arms around her lover’s shoulders once more, and hung on tight. It was going to be quite the bumpy ride that left her stretched and twitching around two massive cocks, but she was grateful for it. She was lucky enough to be dating the two most well-endowed men in Sanctuary, and she was skilled enough to keep them both wrapped around her little finger. As Tannis cuddled in close to Krieg’s chest and rode out the tempest of violent thrusts that were already beginning, the crazy woman’s coo came soft and sweet and her voice sounded melodic and enamoured. “I love you both so very, very much! Even though your sister is a bit of a pervert, Harold, and I will not let her watch me shower no matter how many times she asks!”

Harold’s sister was a shower curtain.

The wild thrusting between the three continued, with Krieg doing the lion’s share of the work since Tannis was stuffed to the brim with cock and Harold was - just to be completely fucking clear - a couch. Thankfully the psycho had more than enough strength to get the job done, and his passions were in full swing as he crashed forward again and again to the point of sending Tannis into almost immediately thrashing orgasms. The scholar howled, clawed her nails down Krieg’s magnificent if slightly twisted physique, buried her face against his chest and let both of her lovers use her to their leisure. The harder Krieg fucked the more wild Tannis’ delight became, and she rode out orgasm after orgasm as she was split and shared between the two.

Harold didn’t cum - he had a bit of a performance problem in that regard - but he still gave Tannis one hell of a fucking, and that was what mattered. He gave her a hard dick to ride with her ass until Krieg finally unleashed his next torrent, and with a terrorizing cry the bandit thrust forward, bulging his partner’s tummy while his member unleashed yet another uncontrollable surge of cum. The warmth rushed through her and Tannis’ eyes rolled back in her head, trembling and twitching as yet another wave of orgasmic bliss plowed through her. By the time Krieg’s member was finally finished spasming inside of her Tannis felt as full as she ever had, and allowed her eyes to flutter open amidst a few kisses across Krieg’s well-defined chest.

“Mmm...that’s...a lovely performance, boys.” She twittered, still with a few soft spasms rocking gently through her body. It was broken up by a steady yawn, and she swivelled back and forth to make herself an even more comfortable seat atop Harold’s cock. “Just...just give me a moment, and I’ll get my energy back. I could never leave my wonderful men yearning for more, after all!”

As Tannis curled against Krieg, the psycho’s cock pulled free and allowed her to squeeze the runoff of his cum from her nethers. It pooled atop Harold and ran down the edge, dripping down to the floor with a soft, wet patter. Once more, Krieg found himself in relative silence - listening not to the ravaged breathing of his lover, but to the voice of clarity that once more chimed in his head. The closest thing he had to a brother, a best friend, and a conscience - one that he had hated and resented in the past. Although these days...these days, the voice was starting to make a bit more sense.

“This woman is everything to us, idiot.” It urged, critical and sharp and not hesitating to throw the responsibility upon Krieg’s shoulders. “Sanctuary’s our home, but she’s why. You get that?”

“THE RODENT RUNS TOO FAST TO CATCH.”

“Good.”

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> [RUB THE TWEET! FOLLOW THE SINSCRIBE!](http://www.twitter.com/DraceTales)


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